Stand Up

Scene: Open Mic night at a small,but full bar.

Well...it's kinda crazy being the only black guy here...oh wait...There's one in the back! You can sit up in the front man...you don't have to be in the back anymore. Shit, now I have to change up all my jokes. Didja hear Cadillac is taking out seat belts and putting Velcro on the ceiling instead? Yeah, so the Asian guys hair...sticks..to..See! Shit that just doesn't work! Anyway of you guys like Shakespeare? My daughters reading The Taming of the Shrew in school, which is my favorite Shakespeare play right! My favorite quote goes like this.

Petruchio: Come, come, you wasp, i’faith you are too angry.
Katherine: If I be waspish, best beware my sting.
Petruchio: My remedy is then to pluck it out.
Katherine: Ay, if the fool could find where it lies.
Petruchio: Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail.
Katherine: In his tongue.
Petruchio: Whose tongue?
Katherine: Yours, if you talk of tales, and so farewell.
Petruchio: What, with my tongue in your tail?

So, basically a shrew is a bitch and he's telling this bitch that he's gonna shut her up by sticking his tongue in her ass. I don't know if I'm ready to explain the finer points of Shakespeare to my daughter...

It's almost been a year!

What really? The voices have stopped...that is kinda inconceivable...What the hell happened to all my followers? I know I had at least 10...well now I have 9 less...fuck them anyways. Hello from Julie is going to be revamped, just as soon as I get my blog and interweb skillz online again. Not sure what has happened, but I am sure it has something to do with my ever loving acceptance of my not too distant fate. So, ttfn.

Hello from Bubba

Hey there folks. They call me Bubba. Yes, when you think of the name Bubba...that's me. Overweight with a long piece of hay grass stickin 'tween my teeth. Overalls....the works. I may be an uneducated hick with brains that would make a zombie starve, but I do fancy myself as some what of a some writer...a song writer. I write about love and loss mostly...every once inna while I'll write one about mama, but lately I've been writin about gettin over this last little heffer I was with...ok ok ok...I ain't never wrote a song in my life, but I DO have a lot of good ideas for songs. I was in the shower the other day and I was thinking about that heffer...well, I noticed that my ball hair had gotten very very long and thought "Damn, I don't shave my balls for you anymore." Wow...you never know when inspiration will hit you...So, I got that chorus line/title and a few ideas for versus but no real song...I really want to capture the love I had for this woman...Ya know, somehow show the correlation of the love I gave her and the forestlike thickness of my sack bush. Maybe there is a metaphor in the shaving itself...hmmm...ball hair is meant to keep your nuts warm....she was trying to ice my nuts! That's why I would do everything she told me to! Fuckin bitches...foiled again! Ah well...The only reason I like to keep them shaved is because I hate when your getting a blow job and the girl stops to pick a hair...there ain't nothin sexy about that...Other than thinkin about writin a song, ther ain't much to do out here but read...I go to the library a lot and surf the internet on the public 'puter. I went into town the other day and had a beer. I talked to a few nice folks. It seems that I am not as dumb as I thought...Well...I ain't never had no schoolin but I understand things pret well good. You may see me 'round...Say hi and give me a hug...balls.

Hello from Jimbo

Ok Ok OK. I can't believe this shit is happening to me. I'm 45 years old. All the kids are grown up. I'm rich bitch. I got all kinds of money, and I still can't get laid...fuck. I'm a pretty good lookin guy too. Nice personality blah blah blah. Let me give you a little history. In the 80's if you licked pussy, you were a special kinda guy. If one girl told another girl you went down, shit...you'd be eatin down at the y every damn day. By the time the nineties rolled around, everyone was goin down...it became a given, so we had to come up with something different...I was the first to shave my balls. Yes, I was a trendsetter. Let me tell you it was worth it. Blowjob incidences increased tenfold by 1995...then the dark times...ten years of marriage...its best not to talk about those times...2005 free at last and what do i find? Every freakin woman in the world shaves their bush. This almost made me start believing in God again. Aside from the fact that I love a smooth pussy riding across my nose, the threat of crabs has pretty much gone by the wayside...Unless, your were banging a buncha hippies or the ever popular cougar. Now its 2022 and what is the new thing? The taint...that's right...the spot between your balls and asshole...or on a woman...the skin between the two holes...I thought "Great! I'm already a good ball shaver, this'll be great!" Unfortunately I did not take into account one thing...my vasectomy scar...I never noticed it before and neither did anyone else for that matter, but with all this new emphasis on the taint...someone was bound to notice...you would think that havin a vasectomy would increase your chances of getting laid, but not in this socioeconomic climate. I think I may get a piercing right through the scar to make it less noticeable...maybe I can start a new trend...anyone that I can convince to get a vasectomy either a) has already contributed their genes to the populace and do not want to further pollute our people or b) are just the type of people we..and by we I really mean I...would not want to reproduce anyways. or maybe I'll just wait for the next trend to roll around...

Hello from ?

Where am I? Who are you? How did I get here? Where are we anyway? It's not so bad here, ya know? Don't I know you? Do you remember when things were really bad? Can you believe i still have nightmares about those nights? Didja know I wouldn't change a thing for the world? What are we going to do now? Why would you say that you are scared? wouldja believe that I am not as confidant as I appear? remember that time you let me stick my finger in your butt? can i do it again? can you tell me directions to the fencing match? do you know where i can buy a foil? walmart has them? do you really think that i am that stupid? when did you think i wasn't paying attention? why the hell did i go flying down greenville at 120 in a drop top corvette? i think the cops let us go cause we were white, ya know? are you serious? whats my drug of choice? well, what have ya got? why dont you come over here and raise your little skirt up so i can spank that perfect ass? didja know that i can tell it's only going to take one push to make it all blossom up inside of you? why the hell do you never wear underwear? when was that ever cool? is it really that much more convenient? whats your sign? if i told you you had a beautiful body, would ya hold it against me? what about a beautiful face? a beautiful heart? dont you love the taste of vomit in the back of your throat and upper nasal cavity? well, what are you going to do now? can you make something happen? who can help you? do you need any help? do you believe everything you believe with all your heart and stand up for your beliefs without being a dickhead? didja know its easy for me cause i dont miss you that much? whats happening to you? why dont you go see a doctor? better yet, why dont you go see a hindu priest? or even better, why dont you go see an Indian (the feathers not the dots)medicine man? dontcha hate it when you can feel the wheel but you cant stear?

Hello from Bill

***The old man sits next to a short wave radio. Cigarette in his mouth. Smoke twirling in his long gray hair. He wears the same Army coat he did in 1974 when he helped the last Americans pull out of Vietnam, at least that's what he always says. He's been talking for hours. He finishes up with.***

Colonel William Davis O'Malley here with an update on the war effort. To all ya'll down there across the enemy lines in Texarkana. The Owl is always tricky at night. and Forward is the way to get back there. God bless you folks and good luck.

***He sits back, draws on his stump of a hand rolled cigarette. Pulls out the type writer and taps.***

Dear Sir,

I've stored up just about enough vegetable oil to cook for five years and run my newly converted biodiesel tractor on the farm. I will have my old dodge ready for the switch within a month. Ammunition is plentiful. Investing in the reloading equipment was a good suggestion. Thank you. We are keeping 9mm, 45 ACP, 30-06, 12 Gage, .223, and 7.62. All other weapons are being sold or traded for the proper calibers. We have started canning fruits and vegetables for the food cache. The cellars are ready and the tunnels are nearly complete. Already, three out of the five resistance farms are connected with tunnels. They are as you requested. The rest will be ready within a fortnight. We are ahead of schedule and awaiting further orders.

The men are requesting a few extra bottles of Sailor Jerry in lieu of another medal.

We are ready. We are waiting. We are anxious.

Col. Bill O'Malley
34th Ziegenbach Supply Regiment

Hello from Brad.

Braa...Brraaaa.....Brrrraaaaa..You wont fucking believe what happened today. Dude, ya know...I skipped class today to go shoot the curl with a buncha ragdolls from up north. I tell you the waves were crestin bout 6 to 7 and the air was a chilly 60 degrees. I fucking hate the winter in Cali, man. It's like...I dunno...really awful man. Anyway, I just got through catching a crazy tube when I spied this hot little beach noob kinda....squirming...yeah...squirming in the sand. At first I thought she was in some kinda trouble, but as I got closer I could tell she was...I couldnt really tell what she was doing, but her ass was up in the air and her face was planted in a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers beach towel. When I say ass, braa, I mean ass. Ass for days! I was kinda walking and kinda stalking towards her because I wanted to see what this crazy chick was up to. Ya know what she was doin man, braa, ya know? I thought maybe it was the crazy reefer I just smoked...or maybe the pills I got from the Chemistry lab...but this lil bitch was eating the sand. Yeah man...she was EATING it! I was hopeing...well I thought...maybe she was playing with the little man in the boat and was one of those voyer hooker chicks, but no such luck. The noises this girl made, OMG brra! I got a semiwood just from listening to her..ok ok ok...i snuck behind a bush and watched/listened to her while I rubbed one out, but it was fucking awesome man! That's when it happened. The sand, man. I've never seen a snow blower in real life, but dude...this chick was a sand blower. It shot out of her ass...like a speeding bullet, braaaa. It was crazy...a crowd started to form and that's when I got a little jealous. I spied her first bra. I want the Ass Sand Shooting Chick. I feel in love, bra...right there...dude...it was like the fountains at the Bellagio, except with sand...dry sand...shit...The sand stream went left and right short and tall...all over the place! and then I saw her face as she lifted up to take a breath. Butterface man! Summer teeeth braaa! I can take a girl with a hot bod and a so so face, but teeth...nah nah nah nah homie. When some er goin this way and some er going that way and some er missing or some er brown....puke motherfucker! I dont care what she can spit out her ass...she's not for me. that when the cops showed up. I heard one of them say "So, yer at it again Julie. This time maybe we can get that thing plugged up permanently." She was obviously a ho bro....a ho fo sho. Anyway, man. Sorry to ruin your breakfast but I had ta letcha know. peace braaa.

Brad

Editor's Note: I must send out a "so sorry" to all, because of Brad's ill use of grammar, spelling, and punctuation. He's not very bright and he also thinks he is real, so forgive him.