Hello from Jimbo

Ok Ok OK. I can't believe this shit is happening to me. I'm 45 years old. All the kids are grown up. I'm rich bitch. I got all kinds of money, and I still can't get laid...fuck. I'm a pretty good lookin guy too. Nice personality blah blah blah. Let me give you a little history. In the 80's if you licked pussy, you were a special kinda guy. If one girl told another girl you went down, shit...you'd be eatin down at the y every damn day. By the time the nineties rolled around, everyone was goin down...it became a given, so we had to come up with something different...I was the first to shave my balls. Yes, I was a trendsetter. Let me tell you it was worth it. Blowjob incidences increased tenfold by 1995...then the dark times...ten years of marriage...its best not to talk about those times...2005 free at last and what do i find? Every freakin woman in the world shaves their bush. This almost made me start believing in God again. Aside from the fact that I love a smooth pussy riding across my nose, the threat of crabs has pretty much gone by the wayside...Unless, your were banging a buncha hippies or the ever popular cougar. Now its 2022 and what is the new thing? The taint...that's right...the spot between your balls and asshole...or on a woman...the skin between the two holes...I thought "Great! I'm already a good ball shaver, this'll be great!" Unfortunately I did not take into account one thing...my vasectomy scar...I never noticed it before and neither did anyone else for that matter, but with all this new emphasis on the taint...someone was bound to notice...you would think that havin a vasectomy would increase your chances of getting laid, but not in this socioeconomic climate. I think I may get a piercing right through the scar to make it less noticeable...maybe I can start a new trend...anyone that I can convince to get a vasectomy either a) has already contributed their genes to the populace and do not want to further pollute our people or b) are just the type of people we..and by we I really mean I...would not want to reproduce anyways. or maybe I'll just wait for the next trend to roll around...

Hello from ?

Where am I? Who are you? How did I get here? Where are we anyway? It's not so bad here, ya know? Don't I know you? Do you remember when things were really bad? Can you believe i still have nightmares about those nights? Didja know I wouldn't change a thing for the world? What are we going to do now? Why would you say that you are scared? wouldja believe that I am not as confidant as I appear? remember that time you let me stick my finger in your butt? can i do it again? can you tell me directions to the fencing match? do you know where i can buy a foil? walmart has them? do you really think that i am that stupid? when did you think i wasn't paying attention? why the hell did i go flying down greenville at 120 in a drop top corvette? i think the cops let us go cause we were white, ya know? are you serious? whats my drug of choice? well, what have ya got? why dont you come over here and raise your little skirt up so i can spank that perfect ass? didja know that i can tell it's only going to take one push to make it all blossom up inside of you? why the hell do you never wear underwear? when was that ever cool? is it really that much more convenient? whats your sign? if i told you you had a beautiful body, would ya hold it against me? what about a beautiful face? a beautiful heart? dont you love the taste of vomit in the back of your throat and upper nasal cavity? well, what are you going to do now? can you make something happen? who can help you? do you need any help? do you believe everything you believe with all your heart and stand up for your beliefs without being a dickhead? didja know its easy for me cause i dont miss you that much? whats happening to you? why dont you go see a doctor? better yet, why dont you go see a hindu priest? or even better, why dont you go see an Indian (the feathers not the dots)medicine man? dontcha hate it when you can feel the wheel but you cant stear?

Hello from Bill

***The old man sits next to a short wave radio. Cigarette in his mouth. Smoke twirling in his long gray hair. He wears the same Army coat he did in 1974 when he helped the last Americans pull out of Vietnam, at least that's what he always says. He's been talking for hours. He finishes up with.***

Colonel William Davis O'Malley here with an update on the war effort. To all ya'll down there across the enemy lines in Texarkana. The Owl is always tricky at night. and Forward is the way to get back there. God bless you folks and good luck.

***He sits back, draws on his stump of a hand rolled cigarette. Pulls out the type writer and taps.***

Dear Sir,

I've stored up just about enough vegetable oil to cook for five years and run my newly converted biodiesel tractor on the farm. I will have my old dodge ready for the switch within a month. Ammunition is plentiful. Investing in the reloading equipment was a good suggestion. Thank you. We are keeping 9mm, 45 ACP, 30-06, 12 Gage, .223, and 7.62. All other weapons are being sold or traded for the proper calibers. We have started canning fruits and vegetables for the food cache. The cellars are ready and the tunnels are nearly complete. Already, three out of the five resistance farms are connected with tunnels. They are as you requested. The rest will be ready within a fortnight. We are ahead of schedule and awaiting further orders.

The men are requesting a few extra bottles of Sailor Jerry in lieu of another medal.

We are ready. We are waiting. We are anxious.

Col. Bill O'Malley
34th Ziegenbach Supply Regiment

Hello from Brad.

Braa...Brraaaa.....Brrrraaaaa..You wont fucking believe what happened today. Dude, ya know...I skipped class today to go shoot the curl with a buncha ragdolls from up north. I tell you the waves were crestin bout 6 to 7 and the air was a chilly 60 degrees. I fucking hate the winter in Cali, man. It's like...I dunno...really awful man. Anyway, I just got through catching a crazy tube when I spied this hot little beach noob kinda....squirming...yeah...squirming in the sand. At first I thought she was in some kinda trouble, but as I got closer I could tell she was...I couldnt really tell what she was doing, but her ass was up in the air and her face was planted in a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers beach towel. When I say ass, braa, I mean ass. Ass for days! I was kinda walking and kinda stalking towards her because I wanted to see what this crazy chick was up to. Ya know what she was doin man, braa, ya know? I thought maybe it was the crazy reefer I just smoked...or maybe the pills I got from the Chemistry lab...but this lil bitch was eating the sand. Yeah man...she was EATING it! I was hopeing...well I thought...maybe she was playing with the little man in the boat and was one of those voyer hooker chicks, but no such luck. The noises this girl made, OMG brra! I got a semiwood just from listening to her..ok ok ok...i snuck behind a bush and watched/listened to her while I rubbed one out, but it was fucking awesome man! That's when it happened. The sand, man. I've never seen a snow blower in real life, but dude...this chick was a sand blower. It shot out of her ass...like a speeding bullet, braaaa. It was crazy...a crowd started to form and that's when I got a little jealous. I spied her first bra. I want the Ass Sand Shooting Chick. I feel in love, bra...right there...dude...it was like the fountains at the Bellagio, except with sand...dry sand...shit...The sand stream went left and right short and tall...all over the place! and then I saw her face as she lifted up to take a breath. Butterface man! Summer teeeth braaa! I can take a girl with a hot bod and a so so face, but teeth...nah nah nah nah homie. When some er goin this way and some er going that way and some er missing or some er brown....puke motherfucker! I dont care what she can spit out her ass...she's not for me. that when the cops showed up. I heard one of them say "So, yer at it again Julie. This time maybe we can get that thing plugged up permanently." She was obviously a ho bro....a ho fo sho. Anyway, man. Sorry to ruin your breakfast but I had ta letcha know. peace braaa.

Brad

Editor's Note: I must send out a "so sorry" to all, because of Brad's ill use of grammar, spelling, and punctuation. He's not very bright and he also thinks he is real, so forgive him.

Hello from Jack.

Hello. I am Jack. I do not get out much, but I saw the door open and decided to check out the outside world. It is still the same. I still feel like everyone is watching me. Like they know my secret. I am a masturbator. I have to rub one out first thing in the morning...no matter what. This morning was tough...most of the time it takes about 3 to 4 minutes and I am good to go, but I was distracted this morning. Jerking off without porn is hard enough...Ya see, my yearly review is coming up at work and it's been on my mind a lot lately. Just thinking about my boss makes me go soft. Have you ever tried to beat a half limp dick? It's difficult to get the joy juice out of a flaccid penis...but not impossible. There are other days when the hand will not stop. Morning wood...done...shower time...done...You would think it would be difficult to stroke it and drive at the same time...You would be wrong. Cruise control is the shit and having lesbian strap on DVDs coming out of your dash makes the drive to work much more pleasant. Work sucks. Lunchtime is fun though:) I get a whole hour. Plenty of time to get all sorts of stuff done. After work, I'm jerking off before the freakin front door shuts. I got porn already in the dvd player. I have the remote right by the door so I can turn on the television, I let the tv warm up while I go get some baby oil, come back, flop on the couch, and i'm freakin GONE for at least an hour. Wake up, do the chores blah blah surf the net a little...accidentally come across a porn site...again...spank it to death...fall asleep..wake up and repeat. Fun huh?

Don't shake my hand when you see me,

Jack

Hello from Prof Smith

I've just made an important discovery. When they find out, I will have to run. I don't really understand it myself, but that does not matter. It never does. This discovery pinpoints just how little the human mind understands. We think we are so smart, string theory, multiverse, quantum mechanics...bullshit...all bullshit. Love, hate, sadness...bullshit...all bullshit and inconsequential. There is so much here. I am overwhelmed. Can't..they are comming. It's all going to change. You will see. Nothing will be the same.

Hello from Fred.

I just wanted to say that being stuck inside this mother fuckers head is driving me crazy! Granted there are a whole buncha folks locked up in here, but I'd rather be out on the lake, just me an my fishin pole, an a case of keystone. A few folks in here are ok, but for the most part these overindulgent psychopathic assholes run this joint. It's pretty scary when one of em takes over...I mean...It kinda depends on who it is, but the transition from Rick to Alternate Personality is very strange. First there is a blinding light that smells like burnt up incense, next rubber chickens start falling…no not falling but more like rocketing at supersonic speeds from the heavens and pounding into the ground splatting giblet gravy all over the place, then the shaking...the terrible earth-moving, fall to your knees, praying to God to make it stop, head rattling shaking. Last time I thought I was going to be forcefully ejected out this narcissistic motherfuckers left ear and then silence, deep breathing. With every inhale the world slowly implodes on itself, bodies are compressed together so tightly ears and noses spout blood in all directions, and right before I think the end has come, the exhale save me/us, and finally it all stops and I am stuck in perpetual limbo...So enough bitchin, let me tell ya bout myself. I'm 82 years old. By far the oldest in the bunch...well...there is this one fella from ancient Egypt, but he's only 30...and I guess he is linearly older then me. Anyway, I try to help Rick out, but he's pretty hard headed and has to learn things the hard way. Sometimes he listens, and when he does I see his matureness needle go up just a little bit. I try to tell him things like "Wine brings out truth, so don’t drink too much, it could get you into trouble." and "Arrogance impedes self-awareness." He hasn’t really got that one down yet...He doesn’t believe that he's arrogant, he thinks he knows himself, but he does not. I spent years as a psychotherapist, I retired after perfecting the Rorschach inkblot test, and let me tell you all the inkblots are pictures of naked ladies...If you don’t see a naked lady then you are insane. No ifs ands or buts about it. It's that simple. "I see a butterfly" Well sir, you are completely nuts because that is obviously a picture of a woman bending over from behind. Point is, I'm an expert on the Human mind, and now that I have been living in one for a few years, I am a super expert. Especially on this guy. I can't really say he is crazy because he passed the inkblot test with flying colors. I mean, I never saw the lesbian threesome in the blots, but he found it and pointed it out and damnit he was right! So not crazy, but definitely off a little or a lot, depending on the day or which way the wind is blowing. I try to calm him down and put his mind at ease. He gets very impatient and I have tried to let him realize that he has some time left…all is not lost…etcetera etcetera. I love this boy like he was my son. I’ve let him stray a little because that is the best way to make him learn. Learning by experience can be hard. It leaves many scars that don’t heal all the way…So, it was my turn to control the body because everyone else is still hung over from New Year’s Eve. Since I am old and frail I don’t get to take over very often, so this is my chance to let you all in a little secret. The light told Rick something the other night…I hope to talk to you guys soon, but don’t count on it…